It kind of went down hill the day after graduation, the day I thought I couldn't wait to come for four years - to walk through the Bryant Archway and get my degree and be done with school. Except that day was great, just as I had expected it would be. I am pretty sure I got a standing ovation when I stood on stage with five other American heroes joining the service. It was so humbling, so inspiring, I couldn't wait to make a difference, to put everything I'd learned at Bryant to work in the "real world.."
It could've very easily been the best day of my life, but then after that, I just felt empty. I still had to go away for a month to complete my ROTC Training to Commission as a Lieutenant. I had to pass Night Land Nav, something I had failed to do the summer before. So I went to LDAC at Fort Lewis, for the second time to complete the course, and I did great at Land Nav and was on my way to Commissioning at the end of the course...until I dislocated my shoulder doing the Obstacle Course. It popped out on the monkey bars, the same shoulder I had reconstructed twice in high school. The same shoulder I had been working to get better for the last seven years. Well, I re-tore my labrum in the rotator cuff. I was medically disqualified and sent home. I wasn't given the option to complete the course for the remaining 17 days and swear into the Army as a Lieutenant. Instead, I was being sent home as a No-Go for the second straight summer.
Now, about a month later, I am finally coming to terms with what happened. I am in the process of getting medically discharged from my 6 year contract to serve in the Army because of my repeat shoulder injury - something that will not allow me to effectively serve in Combat Arms because it is a safety risk. Throughout college, I had grown into a leader through ROTC, and there was nothing I was looking forward to more than leading Soldiers - being their role model, their mentor, their leader. And now, done with college, done with being Captain of the swim team, done with ROTC, when I had planned to start leading Soldiers, I am now leading no one. In fact, the truth of it all is I am struggling to lead myself.
I am trying to move on, to look for careers, to find a job, somewhere to go to get rejuvenated, to get remotivated, because this past month has been very hard for me. I am finally coming around. My close friends and family are particularly helpful, but man its tough. It feels like everything I worked so hard for is gone. I am moving on with the idea that I will no longer serve, and I'm dealing with that, because I can still lead people in other ways. It is just I am struggling to find how and where I will be able to do that, and I am not all that patient when I have nothing else to focus on or to keep me busy.
Another part of why it is so hard for me is physical. I love training, competing, and being involved in athletics. Whether that be swimming, something that I've done for over ten years, or triathlons, a sport that had me hooked in for the last four years. Well now, I can do neither. There is pretty much not much that I can do, and it is driving me crazy. I may have to get a third surgery on my shoulder, meaning once again I will be doing six months of recovering, and the thought of that just makes me feel awful. But, it is starting to feel better the more I rehab, so I've been training again a little bit, well, I would just leave it as "exercising.".
I am sponsored by Team Off the Front Multisport, repping Chobani, and I haven't even been able to race and compete and spread the word of the Cho, and that is very disappointing. And now I don't even know when I will be able to again, or even if I'll even be any good again. It is seriously demotivating, but where there's a will there's a way, or so I used to tell myself.
In the meantime, I suppose I am just going to keep looking for jobs, hopefully in the field of athletics - whether it is in triathlons, college athletics, sports writing, social media, it doesn't matter to me. I just want to start making a difference somewhere. But what I keep reminding myself, is that this is just a way to grow, to find myself. And I suppose I am finding myself, its just not what I was hoping for.
I got a tattoo on my back last year that says "GLORY." My Twitter name is Idoit4theGLORY. My blog name on this account is the same, and some friends call me Glory. I guess it is time to stop feeling sorry for myself and go back to living my life the way I should...to do it for the Glory. Any encouragement along the way would be great. John Glove used to always say, "You motivate me, I'll motivate you." Well, please motivate me, getting my mojo back is a struggle sometimes.
But if I start doing it for the Glory again, like I intend to, I will be thinking about this:
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. - Confucius
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